| Grief is just love with nowhere to go. |
[Nov. 13th, 2023|09:25 am] |
Tomorrow is one month since I saw her last.
I still can't fucking believe she's gone.
I'm not going to see her again.
Ever.
Not so long as I'm living.
I've had a few dreams by now that I've acknowledged her death in, so even my subconscious knows that's she's not here anymore.
I keep flashing back to how I found her, and I hate it. If there was any memory of this I could erase it would be that.
But how many times was I the one to find her in the worst position? How many times was I beside her when her body or mind failed? When she was sleep walking and about to set the house on fire? Or some weird side effect of her meds made her nod out while driving?
I was always witness to the worst.
I guess I can at least take solace in having seen her Alive, even if she wasn't well.
She didn't want to have an open casket because she didn't want the last memory anyone had of her to be what she looked like Dead. ...which was a good call. Because I didn't see it. And I'm at least grateful for that.
In the back of my mind I'd always wondered if I was going to find her dead one day. Luckily, that's not something I have to worry about anymore.
But, fuck.
I still thought I had a while before I *really* needed to worry about it.
I... This. Isn't real. It can't be. I don't know how it could be.
Every day I wake up and do the same thing, so much so that it's almost like nothing is different at all. Except for that *one little thing.*
Wake up in excruciating pain, eventually eat so I can medicate, scroll on my phone and dissociate while the meds kick in, decide what I'm going to do with my day, get up and make myself something to eat, think "I should call mom," remember that my mom is dead and I cannot in fact call her, go back to my bedroom and scroll on my phone again to take myself out of my reality again.
Every time I put my phone or my games down, I'm bombarded with reality. I hate it. I don't want this. I don't want to do this. I don't want this to be my reality.
I want to go back to two or three days before and force her to go to the hospital. I want to fix things. I want a do over, a reset, to reload my save and do it all over again. Fuck I'd start the whole game over.
Its not my fault. I know it's not. I still wish I could have done fucking anything.
I miss her. It's not fair. Despite it all, despite how hard things were for us, I know she loved me so much. And I loved her, too. Even when it was hard to.
Ugh.
Fuck.
I haven't slept yet. And I will. And I'll dream. And I'll wake up. And nothing will have changed. She will still be gone.
I heard someone say "Grief is just Love with nowhere to go." And every time I've thought of it since, it just brings tears to my eyes. I can't love anybody else like I love my mom. There is no replacing her.
Nothing will ever fill that hole in my heart. |
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| Loss of another kind |
[Nov. 13th, 2023|10:29 am] |
Fucked up that I can't even tell someone I considered my best friend for half my life that my mom is gone.
I don't know if I could ever believe they'd be sincere. They always "struggled with empathy," and for once I need this to be about me. If I got a lukewarm response or they tried to make this about themselves, I think I'd lose my mind.
I miss my friend, but at this point I think that person maybe never existed at all.
I just wish they'd ever been the person I thought they were. |
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